It's a lazy Sunday everyone! Just like every other Sunday :)
So, instead of catching the lazy bug, I meant to do something productive today. I was thinking of something creative to post. Idk, like a haul - clothing haul, stationery haul, home decors haul. But apparently, I haven't been at the mall for the past two weeks, and so, no haul to post. That's has left me somewhat sad. However, things turned out to be greater and so, instead of doing a haul, I will be doing a love-scan of my life. Ha! That will not be easy.
Being a 23 year-old, having a boyfriend is not really a necessity. What I need is my own place, a decent job that can pay for my needs and wants, and good friends to keep me company. Admit it or not, a boyfriend is an added traction, a great traction at that - but it is something that we girls, can live without.
I am not a radical feminist or a man-hater. I still believe that some point in every girl's life, there should be an object of her love. Life will always be a great adventure, but love, love is something different. Love is pure and is always magical. Though at times, it can make a person mad (trust me, many people fall into that trap). Love is both pain and joy, it is both sadness and happiness. You can never fully love a person if everything is all good. Love also encompasses the bad things, the tragic ones, and even the destructive ones. And beyond all that, love is all worth it.
I've had my equal share of bad love and happy love. And both, I have experienced in one person. Particularly enough, I want to talk about that someone who brings out extreme emotions in every turn of our relationship. Yes, I have other loves, but this guy, there's no one like him. And he's the reason I'm particularly writing this blog. Pardon my cheesy lines, but really, he is the one that makes my world go round. I only measure time if I am or not with him. He makes me happy, though he can be a bit callous sometimes. He makes me insanely high, but that's because I love him so much. Of course, no drugs included. Just pure love.
Due to our limited time together and some constraints along the way, we can only spent time once in a blue moon. And lately, time became our enemy. Still, we managed to be together, and with that, I am happy. However, I am unsatisfied. You see, I love him so much, and not being with him makes me icky and always angry. I began to be jealous, of everyone that's around him. I get easily ticked off, especially when he's talking with some other girls. And most dangerous of all, I started to self-pity, when he's not talking with me.
I am slowly sinking into the abyss of love. That blackhole that makes me extremely insane and doubtful. And what's more troubling is that (for him) it is always my fault.
I know that I am important to him, though not really a priority. I knew, even before we started, that work and reputation will always be above me. That was painful to accept, and even painful to experience. Worst part is, everything became a mess. I was having tantrums almost every week, but always keeping it inside. I am scared of him being afraid of me, I am scared of him leaving me.
Getting my shit together will not be easy. Although I am slowly trying to build things up. Currently, I am trying to stay positive - keeping my mind and heart in my hands, so that I can pull them back when they go overboard. Honestly, getting the positive outlook helps a lot. I am recuperating. I am not poisoning my own thoughts. And yes, we are slowly getting back on track.
I hope that everything will stay together. You know, what I've learn? In love, it is the magic pulls you in - that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling when you first touch each other, when you look at their eyes, and hold their hands for the first time. But is the commitment that will make the two of you stay together - that familiar feeling that you have for each other, and that something that you love about the other person, despite everything going wrong. It's the little things really, it's the feeling of being at home with each other.
